Mother Nature Is a Bitch

Mother Nature has been playing some nasty tricks on me lately, and I’m getting real tired of her shit.

It’s no secret that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a few months. I want a bunch of kids. A brood. A murder (wait, is that just crows? whatever). When I’m older, I want to be surrounded by interesting people that I created. We shall form a singing troupe and travel the world together! Not really. But babies, as cute and relatively easy as they are, aren’t all that interesting. So I’m looking to get through this baby phase quickly. Let’s pop out a bunch of babies and get going. Two under two? Why the hell not? When you’re walking through fire, why not run?

I didn’t have to really even try getting pregnant last time. I just had to think, Hey, let’s give this baby thing a try!, and BLAM, there was Tommy. Little did I know how stupidly lucky I was.

If you’ve ever tried getting pregnant, you know how much of a mind-fuck the whole process can be. You read all of the articles and do the calculations, spend a fairly amusing week or so putting in the hard work, but then you have at least two weeks of agonizing waiting. Every possible symptom of early pregnancy suddenly seems to be happening to you. You scrutinize and over-analyze every little twinge within your body. Was that feeling in my tummy caused by a sparking new life or a bad avocado? Is that implantation pain or ovulation pain? Do my boobs feel like that because of pregnancy hormones or PMS hormones? Why are PMS and early pregnancy so similar? Who designed this?

You count down the days. You spend a stupid amount of money on pregnancy tests because BY GOD they can tell you four or five days earlier than your body can. All along, you just hope that your body is cooperating.

My body has been decidedly uncooperative lately. Two months ago my period was two days late and I freaked out. Last month it was A WEEK LATE and I almost had an aneurism. This month I’ve experienced a week of nausea, the likes of which I haven’t felt at any time other except when I was pregnant. Turns out it’s just an ear infection. Do you know how many pregnancy tests I’ve gone through? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY COST?

That’s Mother Nature for you. She makes PMS and pregnancy look exactly alike, and then she messes with your head. I want my money back, you bitch.