Gardening: I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

So we have this porch with a little flowerbed off to the side. It came with the house. It also came with a few plants and a bunch of weeds. I really can’t tell the difference between the two. And these days, I’m definitely not bending over to clear out the ones that look like weeds. So we’re letting things coexist for now.

She’s really excited about life.

Yeah, I don’t know what these bushy guys are with the sprouting thingies. Stella doesn’t either.

Some of the houses around here really go all out with the flowers. I walk past them all the time when Stella and I go on our rambling walks around the block. They make me feel florally inferior. They’re jerks. In an attempt to at least sort of fit in, I got this guy.

Hurray for $7 specials at Lowe's!

Hurray for $7 specials at Lowe’s!

It’s an annual, so it will eventually die anyways, right? Then I won’t feel so bad. If this goes well, maybe I’ll plant some flowers in the bed next year. Again, ones that will die anyways.

My basic philosophy about gardening is that it’s pretty much useless. I’ve never been all that appreciative of flowers, even bouquets I receive as gifts. Sure, they’re pretty, but they’ll die anyways, and I’d much rather have something I can eat. So get me cake instead of a floral arrangement if you feel the need to buy me something.

With that in mind, I’ve made a feeble stab at vegetable gardening. Here we have my little jalapeño plant.

Stupid, deceptive plant tags.

Stupid, deceptive plant tags.

I don’t actually like jalapeños. The little tag on the plant at the store clearly showed bell peppers, which I do like. But then these little fuckers grew, and I reluctantly let them hang around. Some people may be receiving pepper jelly as gifts in the future.

I also have a tomato plant.

Man, this thing looks sad.

Man, this thing looks sad.

It wasn’t always this big. I even had to tether some of the branches to a stake (which I had to learn existed in the first place). But some of them still droop an awful lot. And there’s also this weird yellowing situation happening in some places. At least there are some little green fruits growing, which is impressive in my world. There would be a few more fruits, but the 3-year-old next door decided to battle the plant with his sword. He was victorious in battle, but then his mommy made him come apologize to me, which may have taken some of the glory out of it.

In short, although I don’t really care about gardening, I’ve been trying to fit in with the flower people around here and keep us from looking like hoboes. And I’m attempting to produce some produce, you know, something useful. I will be amazed if any of it lives very long.

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One thought on “Gardening: I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

  1. I love this! Your sense of humor finds my funny bone every time! You have hostas ( the green and white thingys), the stuff hugging the wall that looks spiney are the dreaded weed! Native to American gardens, from sea to shining sea ( I hear a song in there). I’d put those out of their misery ASAP…dig deep to get to the bottom of the root…or they will be back, hell,they will be back any way…just reinventing themselves. Keep the hostas…deer love them, they will be grateful!

    Sent from my iPad

    Like

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